Stop Being "Nice"

I listened to a book called, "Not Nice," which clarifies the difference between being nice vs being kind, and why being "nice" can actually be a bad thing. Here are some notes from that reading:

First and foremost, you are not a bad person for wanting to be “nice.” You were probably taught that being “nice” equates to being a good, kind, respectful, obedient person. But if you are “nice” for the rest of your life, you will be miserable.

Being nice is actually just people pleasing. It allows people to walk all over you. Niceness comes from fear of upsetting others.  It’s limiting yourself by conforming to avoid conflict. It’s different from being kind, generous, compassionate, loving, etc. It’s putting others first to soothe your anxiety about being rejected. It's being "nice" for others in exchange for not being kind to yourself.

Being nice means you can’t say no, you always go with the flow, you can’t ask for what you want directly, you can’t disagree with people, you can’t point out things that bother you, all out of fear of burdening others. It’s about silencing yourself using excuses like now is not the time or it’s not worth stirring the pot. This all results in being passive, insincere and resentful. You take way too much responsibility for other people’s feelings. You’re worried about creating the slightest bit of discomfort in others. 

Not being nice doesn’t mean you’re a jerk. You can still be a caring/kind person. Not being nice just means you’re more real, assertive, confident, bold, authentic, and expressive. It is honoring yourself and what you feel you can handle in the current moment. You will feel guilty at first for trying to stop being "nice," but people are going to respect you because of it. I promise.

 Here are some tips to combat "niceness":

• Let people reject you. It’s better to be rejected for who you are than to be accepted for who you are not. The more authentic you are, the more people tend to respect and like you.
• It's not your job to make everyone feel comfortable. Their emotions are theres to deal with, not yours. 
• Be assertive. Being assertive is a skill. It’s going to be awkward at first. But you’ll get better with time. Give yourself complete permission to say no in life. Don’t be overly apologetic, because it’s perfectly okay to say no. If someone invites you to an event that you know you don't want to go to, say "thanks for the invite but I have plans" or "that doesn’t sound fun but let’s do this instead." Don’t offer people a long explanation. Don’t apologize unless you’ve done something wrong, and saying no isn’t wrong.  Just be real with people with care and tact. Making excuses is exhausting. Don’t berate yourself for saying no.
• Set boundaries. You cannot let a relationship be all about the other person. Have opinions. Set aside time for yourself. Don’t rearrange your entire life for another person. Verbally disagree when you disagree. Be authentic, no matter how unpleasant.
• People cannot know what you want unless you ask. ​Don’t say yes because you feel obligated to. When you say "yes" when you want to say "no," you're saying "no" to being kind to yourself. And when you're not kind to yourself, you're less likely to be kind to others. So, by saying "no," it is beneficial for both you and the other person. You won't feel resentful. You'll probably treat them better. You'll probably enjoy being with them more.
• You have the right to be angry. Being angry is not nice. But expressing anger mitigates the depression, resentment, and passive aggressiveness you'll feel if you don't express it.
• It’s impossible and exhausting to make everyone like you, so stop trying. You can’t control what others think of you, you can only control yourself, your actions, and your words. There will always be people who dislike you regardless of how "nice" you are. So why not be the real you and see who sticks around?

Don’t strive to be nice. strive to be known. ​